Saturday, August 23, 2003

Experience - But to What End?

Los Feliz, CA:
Beset by a whim, as I often am, and enveloped in curiosity, if not the very curiosity which prays on cats one quite similar, I had a soldier's meal tonight. The soldier's meal is an MRE or Meal Ready to Eat and it can survive a 1000 foot drop. The tough brown plastic bag in which it came, suspiciously labeled 'Chicken a la King,' required scissors to invade. A grab bag of olive-drab packets and boxes, my meal seamed like it had everything to satisfy the modern, on-the-go fighting man.

The Chicken a la King itself, in an olive drab packet hidden inside an olive-drab box, tasted like a chicken pot-pie. Not a Swanson Chicken Pot-Pie but a lower-case store brand chicken pot pie missing a crust. It was edible enough and I suspect would be quite welcome after a hard day of marching and saluting, but I suspect further that after being shot at I'd have to put some of the salt from Accessory Pack A* in to liven things up a bit.

There were crackers with which to scoop up some of the lower case, crust free, pot-pie with, but after tasting them I considered going back to the included plastic spoon, which tasted slightly different. At first I double checked to make sure I'd actually opened the crackers and not the Paper Toilet (yes the order of those words is correct) found in Accessory Pack A*

One of the most fascinating bits in the whole affair was the Maple Nut Cake. I was intriged that this kind of confectionary was included. When I picked up the packet it was hard and heavy. Perhaps you remember sqeezing all the empty space out of bread as a kid and eating as a tight hard lump, well imagining this you be close to what an MRE Maple Nut Cake is like. It tasted like one of the less reputable pastery brands that convinience stores--the kind with overly large booze and porn magazine sections--would let collect dust until a desperate soul in dire need of pay-telephone change gives into the store's draconian no change without purchase policy.

Next up was the powdered coffee, creamer substitute, and six gram sugar packet ensemble. While it may be my fault for not having a mil-spec canteen one-third full as the directions required, the beverage was not awful, but an insipid semi-satisfaction for this non-coffee achiever.

I was left full despite not finishing the chocolate covered cookie or the air-spaceless Maple Nut Cake, and completely avoiding the strangely colored brown cheese spread that tasted like any other strangely colored brown cheese spread that you might encounter. In fact I'll go so far as to claim satisfaction. But then I grew up on Corned Beef Hash and canned spinach topped with Miracle Whip on the side, a delicacy my dad passed on like an heirloom from his somewhat impoverished childhood. Which is kind of fitting in a stretched connection sort of way, since he used this strange diet as fuel in his imaginary ambushes on the North Koreans as they attempted to invade El Cajon, CA by way of the low mountains of Alpine a few miles to the East.

*Accessory Pack A
-Coffee-Cream Substitute
-Chewing Gum (a bit rocky at first but it settles down to be merely inedible)
-Paper Toilet (in too small of a portion considered what sort of mess the meal may leave you in)

Friday, August 15, 2003

Vacant Planet

I have just lunched Vacant The site will follow the production of a series of animated short films. I hope to bring all aspects of this work to you so you can see what's involved.

Monday, April 7, 2003

Banned on Account of Chronic Nudity

Los Feliz, CA:
LONDON - Mark Roberts, after 273 streaks, is required to surrender his passport when any English soccer team plays abroad. He has streaked at the Wimbledon Men’s Final, a jaunt that ended when a large girl from the Navy tackled him, and at the Liberal Democrats conference in London with “General Erection” written on his flabby chest.
The Streaker's Website

Sunday, April 6, 2003

Instructional Body Art

Los Feliz, CA:
LONDON - Frances Polack, an 85 year-old widow and former nurse, had the words "Do Not Resuscitated" tattooed above her floppy breasts. She had seen too many people brought back from the abyss only to relive the cold grip of death in the near future, and said, "I don't want to die twice."

Friday, March 28, 2003

Shopping Cart Speed Record Set

Though suffering from a broken shoulder and various raspberries, the magnitude of her record breaking run is not lost on one vancouver tart. While careering down a hill in Burnaby this thrill-seeking dolly managed 45 miles per hour before the fine-tuned steering of the shopping buggy gave out.

Thursday, March 13, 2003

In Da Club

While researching the previous bit I came across the lyrics for a song for the unsensation 50 Cent called 'In Da Club.' Right away I was giggling again, not because of the street pronounciation of "the," but the rather childish way of spelling it out as "Da." There's a billboard of Snoop Dawg in Hollywood with similar silliness. How am I supposed to take my Rap Music seriously of the Gangstas who chant it have all the street credibility of a Little Rascals. What's next, are the Rappers going to start putting their R's backwards as well?

Wake Up Little Suzy

Los Feliz, CA:
I was thinking about the lyrics to the song "Wake Up Suzy" by Buddy Holly and I couldn't stop giggling. He says "Our reputation's shot." Does anyone really believe that he'd be worried rumors of him shagging this dame would get around. Most likely he'd be adding to them by hinting at all the silly things he got her to do. Say like, taking it up the dupper or what ever. "What are we going to tell our friends when they say 'Ooh, la la?'" Even back in the fifties who would hang out with people who say 'Ooh, la la?'

Monday, March 10, 2003

Fuck the Lawyers, We'll Arm-Wrestle For It.

Los Feliz, CA:
Wellington, New Zealand - Two CEO's recently resolved a despute between their respective companies by a best-of-three arm-wrestling match. At stake for the telecommunications companies was a $112,000 (NZ $200,00) deal involving access to a mobile radio network

Cheers, mates! Keep it out of the courts.

Wednesday, March 5, 2003 Reviews

"For the thus far uninformed I have used my love of writing to assault Books, Movies and other things on
Click here to check out my Reviews!

Friday, February 28, 2003

"You Can't Even Die In This Country"

Los Feliz, CA:
"You Can't Even Die In This Country"Said Victor Dodoi of Botosani, Romania after the rope he used to try and hang himself with was easily cut by relatives. Dodoi plans on filing a complaint with the Consumer Protection Agency over the rope's quality as soon as his injuries mend. The rope company will likely settle by offering Dodoi a higher quality rope, or perhaps a steel cable, to whack himself with the proper results.

Tedious Movie, Face-Off, Turned Into Creepy Reality

Los Feliz, CA:
A 16-year-old Irish tart, Lena Marie Murphy, who's face had been melted in an exploding car may be the first ever person to receive a face transplant. The whole thing is rather gruesome, yet pretty damn cool.
The Rest of the Tale

How to Write a Fantasy Story: All you’ll ever need

Los Feliz, CA:
After seeing Lord of the Rings I was struck with the formula for all fantasy stories. With these simple guidelines you too can create the next masterpiece.
How to Write a Fantasy Story: All you’ll ever need

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

Movie Star

Los Feliz, CA:
I was just offered another part in a student film. To all you people, like Kathy Woltz, who said I'd be famous one day, here I come, toots.

Monday, February 24, 2003

Boxing Fans Give Ovation as Harding Gets Pummled

Los Feliz, CA:
Trailer bucket ice skater turned Palooka, Tonya Harding, was awarded the sour end of a split decision in her boxing debut against Samantha Browning. Tonya added some meat to her upper body to match her already meaty caboose, giving her 123 pounds to haul around the ring. Though billed as a Pro bout, anything Harding touches will always have the feel of swamp buggy racing.

Switzerland; Land of Suicide Tourism

Los Feliz, CA:
Swiss euthanasia laws have the terminally ill lining up to see the Alps through the haze of the old Mortal Coil being tossed. With the help of deadly barbiturates, fifty-five people whacked themselves last year in the land of chocolate and precision time pieces.

Friday, February 21, 2003

Flimsy Metal Band, Great White, Sees Career Heat Up!

Los Feliz, CA:
WEST WARWICK, R.I. Feb. 20 - Great White, soilders of the Def Leppard weak heavy metal army, cooked 95 fans when the pyrotechnics they use to start the anti-climax of their performance set the building ablaze. This, of course, is far more than their music could do to excite people.

Thursday, February 20, 2003


Los Feliz, CA:
I Posted the stunning B & W photos I took while on my 12 day road trip.
B & W Photo Page

Monday, February 17, 2003

Shania Twain Hires Queens Ryche!

San Diego, CA:
Country music Sex Pot, Shania Twain, hires Queens Ryche for costume design.

Geoff Tate or Shania Twain?

National Geographic Resorts to T&A to Boost Sales

Los Feliz, CA:
Good on ya, I say.

We've relied on them long enough for informative essays and gorgeous pictures of nature, and now show us some skin. This time, however, skip the floppy breasts and silly customs of alien cultures. Give us quality american dames wearing next to nothing.

Saturday, February 15, 2003

Yet another Pointless activity.

Los Feliz, CA:
Play this a while and watch how you get Spirals within Spirals. It's kinda trippy.The Number Spiral

Friday, January 31, 2003

Road Trip Day 12

Los Feliz, CA:
The long--500 mile--trip home.

Thursday, January 30, 2003

Road Trip Day 11

Clear Lake, CA:
Another dull day, except for a side trip to Crater Lake, OR. While the lake itself was obscured by fog, the tight, twisty road to it was awesome. Six foot walls of snow made the narrow blacktop like a canyon.

Wednesday, January 29, 2003

Road Trip Day 10

Redmond, OR:
I drove 12 hours of the worst rain I've ever driven in. I could hardly see the road. Later after finally escaped the downpour I turned off the road to turn around. The dirt shoulder, which had looked quite smooth, bounced my front end up and pulled my exhaust apart.

Tuesday, January 28, 2003

Road Trip Day 9

Whistler, BC, Canada:
Another day of excruciating beauty began with crossing the Capilano Suspension Bridge, a wooden foot bridge that hangs 280 feet of the Capilano River in Northern Vancouver. From there I took the Skyride up Grouse Mountain. After hiking around the top for a while I asked if there was a trail to the bottom. The workers told me about "The Grind," a 1.8 mile hike that climbs 2800 feet. In my case descends.

I took many pictures of the trail as I descended through the clouds. Viability was only about 100 feet at times. It felt like something out of MYST or Riven. The sound of falling water was constant to my left, lost off in the fog. Everything was wet, and the moisture in the air quickly soaked my goatee and hair.

The trip was slightly soured by the loss of my lens cap and a slight hyper extension of my left knee. But this could not take the child-like awe at the scenery.

After making it down I headed up to Whistler. The road, hugging the rocks along the glacier carved bays, was lined with steep creeks and waterfalls. I had been going to ride a Zip Line across a river in Whistler but I got there too late.

On the trip back I enjoyed a USA forbidden Monte Cristo cigar, as smooth a dear hyde, it lasted the whole way.

A note or two on Vancouver. First: I have never been pestered by panhandlers anywhere as much as here. From very able bodied backpackers to the legless in a wheelchair (so much for the wonder of socialized medicine), I walked around for hours to listen too all their shite stories. One dame told me she needed just a few more dollars for the ferry back to Victoria. The next day she nearly sprang the same story on me. The look on her face was quite like "oh shit, he's heard this one."

The ort her thing is, how many fucking Starbucks does one square mile of city need? Certainly not the 15 - 20 there are. The are intersections with two of them on opposite corners.

Monday, January 27, 2003

Road Trip Day 8

Vancouver, BC, Canada:
I wormed my way into Canada without a passport. I was detained by Canadian Immigration for about 20 minutes but they caved under my heart-warming tale of wanderlust.

Of course everyone warned me that the trouble is getting back into the US. We'll see.

I like the money up here, its cute.

I bought a real live Cuban cigar to smoke tomorrow. I wont dare to bring any back as my car will probably be searched since I didn't bring a passport. Well I don't even have one.

I'm absolutely the only person in shorts.

Sunday, January 26, 2003

Road Trip Day 7

Birch Bay, Washington:
Twenty minutes into Washington I got a speeding ticket in Spokane. Damn it! The interior of Washington is a bit dull until you get to the mountains. Rivers and lakes in Southern California are pathetic puddles and trickles compared to here.

Saturday, January 25, 2003

Road Trip Day 6

Coeur d'Alene, Idaho:
I got stuck in Coeur d'Alene. This gave me the chance to snap a few photos.

Friday, January 24, 2003

Road Trip Day 5

Coeur d'Alene, Idaho:
Dull drive today. I resorted to playing my harmonica while trying to pass slow cars in the rain. I made up silly bluegrass songs about the situation. There was a song about logging trucks too. There might have to be a Dead Roach Band EP: "Pacific Northwest Travel Diddies."

Thursday, January 23, 2003

Road Trip Day 4 - High Plains Drifter

McCall, Idaho:
I awoke a 8:30 to take a few pictures of partially frozen Bear Lake before descending the icy road towards Montpelier, where the puffy jacket vest is alive and well. A detour on the 89 sent me east into Wyoming. Light snow flecked my windshield and the slush of an earlier snow made a patchwork of white on the blacktop road.

Crowded down under low clouds and driving at a most likely unsafe speed I saw some amazing views. The few times I found a safe place to stop beside the road I noticed the my camera's lens never captured the feeling of being there. So I took few pictures.

Heading north again, I saw a sign for Yellowstone, so I ploughed through the deepening snow in that direction. At times the road vanished completely, merging with the sinking cloud layer and blanketed fields.

Big blobs of wet snow fell at the final turnoff for Yellowstone. The park ranger told me that the park is closed in winter. She said I could drive the 23 miles up to the park but they don't plough the roads at this time of year. Still with hundreds of miles to go today I figured it was better to turn back.

The clouds peeled apart, opening to blue skies. By the time I passed through Idaho Falls they had become a distant back drop colored like a Maxfield Parish painting by the setting sun.

Leaving Idaho Falls was like sitting on top of the world. The land slopped away for a few hundred miles. The effect was stupefying. Distant mountains were below me looking like islands in a vast cloud-covered sea. A line of clouds above a patch of clear blue formed the horizon of this imaginary ocean. As the sun passed this line it appeared to be swallowed into the water.

Two hours later, still driving downhill, I witnessed the most beautiful sight in my travels. Clouds, navy blue, were darkening silhouettes against the still light sky. Surrounding them was a maze of crisscrossing wisps, also darkening. The sun had long since slipped below the horizon but its light still held on. So as the clouds blackened they looked like holes in the sky. It took One Hundred and Fifty miles at 80 mph for this show to evolve. It was so fucking majestic I nearly wept. (well . . . )

Eventually the frozen lakes gave way to wheat fields, featureless in the gather darkness.

After 13.5 hours of driving I found snow again at my destination, McCall, Idaho.

Wednesday, January 22, 2003

Road Trip Day 3

Bear Lake, Utah:
Gliding along Interstate 15--at times going 110mph--I escaped St George. I was briefly sidetracked by a mile-high column of steam 20 miles to the west. It turned out to be a power plant.

A light snow fall greeted me along the snaking icy road leading down to Bear Lake. I'm still in shorts though.

Tuesday, January 21, 2003

Road Trip Day 2

ST George, Utah:
Today I blasted the dirty heck out of several paper people with an Tommy Gun!! Yes, a real Tommy Gun, and an HK MP5, and a JMB 76/.45. The Gun Store in Vegas rents these absolutely worth every cent guns. Also I drove to St. George Utah.

Monday, January 20, 2003

Road Trip Day 1

Las Vegas, NV:
Without fanfare I slipped away at dawn. Heading North East, sliding easily in and out of light traffic, Soilwork's Black Star Deceiver filled the gaps in my thoughts. My destination is Vegas.

It should be noted that I wrote this a few days before leaving. So in order to maintain accuracy I nearly caused an accident trying to get Soilwork in the CD player. Also it was more like 10:30am.